Although they appear to be a loving, happy couple in front of Ted and Dougal they actually hate each other and as a result are always trying to either kill or injure each other. He was portrayed by Irish actor Patrick Drury.
The following is a list of incidents involving the couple by the order of episodes they appear in:
- They are seen arguing with each other at Funland before Ted shows up
- They meet the priests at the hospital after Paul Stone is admitted following his lightning strike. Mary is on crutches having "sprained" her ankle while John is wearing a bloodied bandage but passes it off as Mary having nicked him with a knife and not stabbing him. After they leave, she kicks him in the shins
- They argue with each other in their shop before Dougal arrives to purchase a pair of handcuffs, which they intend to use for the cinema protest with Ted (although he doesn't mention this)
- Mary tries to drown him in a bucket of water before the priests arrive but John passes it off as Mary just washing his hair
- They bring the priests a gift of chocolate Easter eggs to the parochial house and are aguing before Ted answers the door
- He locks Mary in a large wardrobe in their shop and throws away the key