"Todd Unctious" is a pseudonym used by a priest who appears at the Craggy Island Parochial House.
Biography
He shows up claiming to be an old friend of Ted's. Ted, however, cannot remember Unctious at all, and is forced to employ various convoluted schemes in order to learn his name. For example, his attempt to get Unctious to write his name in the visitor's book fails, when Unctious reveals that he once ran with scissors and fell, completely severing the nerve that controls handwriting. However, Mrs. Doyle manages to guess his name after nearly an hour of random, ridiculous guesses.
Unctious does not attend the Golden Cleric award ceremony, instead sneaking into the living room of the parochial house and making notes in a small notebook, presumably regarding the creaky floorboard in front of the Golden Cleric's display case. He is next seen entering the living room as the other priests are leaving, where he declines their offer of a lift, preferring to stay on the island and watch the extended Latin mass on television. His subsequent behaviour disturbs Ted; he wanders around the parochial house, and into Ted and Dougal's bedroom, at 1:00AM in the morning in nothing but his underpants, when he shows Ted some intimate scars located on his inner thigh and groin. He claims these were gained in a car accident which prevented him from attending a Dana concert with Ted and their fellow novice priests. Unctious also asks Ted if he still has "that big old hairy arse," a point of embarrassment for Ted, as he was bullied at St Colm's Seminary for this.
Unctious turns out to be a thief who is intent on stealing Ted's Golden Cleric award. In his penultimate scene in the show, he rappels down from the ceiling, which he seems to have deployed to avoid stepping on the creaky floorboard which he investigated earlier. He is discovered by Ted after Dougal sneaks downstairs to watch a scary film on the television involving a burglar breaking into someone's house. After he is caught and arrested, Unctious explains that he was once like Ted, a "completely average, bog standard, run-of-the-mill cleric," but became overly obsessed with awards after winning first prize in the County Westmeath Priest of the Year competition, a possible hint to his parish of origin. After this, in his own words, he "started hitting the altar wine too hard. Going easy on people in confession. Getting back-handers for doing quicker masses." He had learned all he needed to know in order to pose as a school friend of Ted's from talking to an old priest in a bar in Celbridge, County Kildare. It is also revealed that "Todd Unctious" is not his real name and since he told the truth about himself it will be used to convict him.
