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This unnamed tour guide shows the tourists, including Ted Crilly and Dougal McGuire, around The Very Dark Caves. He seems bewildered by the latter's nonsensical questioning but answers anyway. However, when Ted responds 'I don't believe it' to a fact given, he comes face to face with actor Richard Wilson, who attacks him.

The priests make their escape as the tour guide apologises to Wilson only to try and resist the urge to say the catchphrase himself.

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